THE BUNION — ISSUE #1 America’s Most Trusted Source for Unverified Epidemiology Truth

Warning: no infants were injured during the studies not conducted below. However, many em-dashes were improperly laid to rest. To offset these emissions, we have donated to the Semi-Colon Rescue Fund.

Ingrid Witherell

Dec 08, 2025

🗞️ THE BUNION — ISSUE #1

America’s Most Trusted Source for Unverified Epidemiology Truth

Vol. 1, Issue 1 — Washington, D.C.

🌟 FRONT PAGE

FDA Appoints Ultramarathon Vision-Loss Researcher to Lead CDER: “Experience Biases People Toward Evidence,” Officials Explain

In a move that raised eyebrows across pharmacology, regulatory science, epidemiology, cardiology, pediatrics, statistics, toxicology, and all departments that prefer drug-safety leadership to be grounded in reality, the administration named Tracy Beth Høeg (Wikipedia Bio) as Acting Director of the Center for Drug Evaluation and Research.

Høeg’s scientific résumé includes:

clinical ophthalmology training (abandoned)
ultramarathon medicine
transient exercise-induced blindness
pregnancy effects on running
selective pandemic-era epidemiology
myocarditis tweets
advising anti-misinformation litigants
brief service under Marty Makary

She now oversees:

all U.S. drug approvals
clinical trial design oversight
post-market safety
national pharmacovigilance
oncology, rare disease, gene therapy, neurology
regulatory frameworks governing $1.4 trillion in annual drug spending

Critics called the appointment “insane,” while supporters said she brings a “creative outsider perspective.”

One senior official delivered the administration’s core justification:

“Many past CDER directors had deep expertise, which biased them toward evidence. Dr. Høeg arrives with no such encumbrances.”

At her first ACIP meeting, she questioned pediatric Hepatitis B vaccination, citing Denmark’s newborn policy, though omitting Denmark’s adult requirements, universal coverage, registry-tracking infrastructure, and functional health system.

FDA morale is currently “negative Fahrenheit.”

🌟 FRONT PAGE FEATURE

Mothers Against Infant Car Seats (MAICS) Demand Randomized Trials Before Allowing Car Seats to Remain Legal

Inspired by PARACHUTE (bmj link)-trial skeptics, MAICS testified before Congress, insisting infant car seats have never been proven effective through randomized, placebo-controlled trials.

They propose:

assigning half of newborns to -approved seats
assigning the other half to bungee cord harnesses
withholding federal transportation funding until results are obtained

The backlash comes soon after the announcement that all car seats sold in the U.S. must comply with these new standards by December 5, 2026. (Previously, manufacturers had until June 30, 2025 to meet the new standards, but it was extended.)

“The updated guidelines add a tougher side-impact crash test that better reflects real-world side collisions, one of the most dangerous crash types for children,” says Michelle Pratt, a certified child passenger safety technician (CPST) and founder of Safe in the Seat. “Car seats now have to offer stronger side protection and improved energy-absorbing materials to keep kids’ heads, necks and bodies safer in those crashes.” (Forbes).

MAICS insists pediatricians are colluding with BIG CARSEAT, whose donations “prevent parents from taking their newborns home lashed gently but lovingly to the back seat using recreational elastic.”

A MAICS spokesperson testified:

“Pediatricians profit from babies staying alive long enough to become patients. That’s why they push car seats.”

When informed that pediatricians are motivated by preventing infant death, MAICS called this “fear-based messaging.”

A pediatrician in attendance reportedly whispered,

“I did not go to medical school to have a public argument about babies bouncing.”

🌟 FRONT PAGE FEATURE

Dr. Lisa X. Gamer, Ultra-Bungee Researcher With One Peer-Reviewed Paper, Tapped to Lead NHTSA

Gamer — pioneer of ultra-bungee infant restraint theory — brings an unconventional background to the nation’s top highway safety post.

Her achievements include:

50 published papers
1 peer-reviewed
clinical interest in infant ankle strength
a philosophy that “restraint should be optional”
opposition to the “tyranny of structured seating systems”

At her nomination, the acting Highway Commissioner declared:

“For too long, NHTSA has been dominated by people who believe restraints should restrain things. Dr. Gamer will usher in a new era of flexible, elastic-forward thinking.”

MAICS attempted a synchronized “Elastic Rights March,” but inconsistencies in cord tension caused half the participants to snap themselves in the face, prompting organizers to declare the event “a complete success.”

🌟 Special Report: THE REVOLVING DOOR THEY DON’T WANT YOU TO KNOW ABOUT

Car Seat Engineers Keep Getting Jobs at NHTSA, Causing Outrage Among People Who Reject the Concept of Safety

A scathing report revealed:

14 engineers moved from car seat companies into NHTSA
9 NHTSA regulators moved into car seat consulting
1 engineer left the agency after realizing she was “too biased toward infant survival”

MAICS insists this proves regulatory capture.

Chair Jolene Larson declared:

“How can parents trust regulators who understand how car seats work? We need people with no preconceived notions, ideally those who have never successfully installed one.”

NHTSA responded with this deeply unnecessary statement:

“We hire engineers because car safety involves physics.”

MAICS called this “circular logic.” They propose a replacement system:

Community Elastic Oversight (CEO)

A rotating panel of parents who:

distrust restraint
embrace airflow
reject Newtonian mechanics

⭐ TRIAL PARALLELS

MAICS Cites Parachute RCT as Proof That Expertise Makes Science Untrustworthy

In testimony before Congress, MAICS referenced the 2018 BMJ parachute randomized controlled trial — a deliberately satirical study designed to highlight selection bias in clinical research. The trial used grounded stationary aircraft, enrolled only individuals willing to jump without a parachute under those conditions, and reported no difference in outcomes between groups. The authors included a full CONSORT diagram (CONSORT DIAGRAM), complete with enrollment flow and allocation steps, to emphasize the rigor with which a fundamentally absurd comparison can be conducted.

While the study was intended to illustrate how trials can appear null when the highest-risk participants decline participation, MAICS presented it as evidence of a different principle entirely: that scientific findings become untrustworthy when interpreted by experts who understand the mechanism of action.

During the hearing, MAICS leaders argued that:

individuals familiar with gravity should not evaluate parachute effectiveness
subject-matter expertise inherently biases the interpretation of results
randomized trials should exclude reviewers who know how the intervention functions

One MAICS witness explained:

“If gravity experts review parachutes, of course they’ll say parachutes reduce death. That’s the bias we’re fighting.”

The group insisted that trials become unreliable when the reviewers “possess an understanding of the forces involved.”

Following the testimony, Congress began discussing legislation requiring all federal safety panels to include no fewer than four individuals who have never experienced gravity in any meaningful or reproducible way, citing the need for “fresh, untainted perspectives” in federal evidence review.

Early adopters demonstrate the emerging market for dynamic restraint technologies. BungeeBaby™ users celebrate ‘unrestricted airflow’ despite regulatory concerns. Mothers Against Infant Car Seats (MAICS) insists this technique ‘builds resilience.’ Pediatricians disagreed vigorously. Regulators declined to comment, noting only that gravity remains ‘in effect.’”

🌟 WINDOW SAFETY TRIAL

Congress Demands Randomized Controlled Trial to Determine Whether Windows Keep Babies Inside Cars

The House unveiled America’s newest safety study:

Control arm: glass windows
Experimental arm: transparent openings powered purely by faith

Senator Brandt Prawl, the Kentucky lawmaker best known for his strong positions on topics outside his professional training, played a central role in elevating the MAICS interpretation of the parachute RCT during hearings. In hearings, Prawl demanded,

“If windows work, why won’t Big Window allow a sham-window trial?”

Lobbyists objected, citing:

wind
gravity
babies spontaneously exiting through holes

Upcoming legislative trials include:

Do brakes reduce forward momentum?
Does steering influence direction?
Is pavement harder than air?

🌟 NATIONAL POLICY

Congress Proposes Play-Based Learning for Medical Students

The bill encourages physicians to “unlearn the constraints of anatomy, physiology, and causality” in favor of improvisational, student-driven frameworks.

🌟 SCIENCE NEWS

New Study Confirms Parachutes Effective — But Only When Worn

MAICS denounced the finding:

“People who wear parachutes are simply more motivated to live.”

🌟 LIFESTYLE

Bungee Parenting Trend Sweeps Instagram

Workshops include:

Infant Knotwork
Scandinavian Minimalist Cording
The Montessori of Momentum

Influencers praise the movement as “attachment parenting meets recreational elasticity.”

🌟 RELATIONSHIPS

How to Tell Your Partner You’re Ready for a No-Window Vehicle

Relationship therapists say couples often struggle to discuss differing levels of risk tolerance, especially when one partner is ready to transition to a no-window vehicle and the other is still “emotionally dependent” on glass barriers. Experts recommend opening the conversation by affirming core values — airflow, personal autonomy, and the desire to break free from Big Window’s manufactured culture of “containment.”

Therapists also advise avoiding accusatory language. Instead of saying, “You’re clinging to a pane-based worldview,” try:

“I feel most myself when the air is allowed to move through me uninhibited.”
“I want us to define safety in a way that reflects our lived experience rather than traditional glazing.”
“I’m ready for a vehicle that trusts me to make my own decisions about structural openings.”

Couples report that this approach fosters more productive conversations, though many still struggle when one partner insists on retaining “at least a small windshield for emergencies.”

🌟 SPORTS

Ultramarathoner Wins Race by Drafting Behind Regulatory Vacuum

Official statement from race officials:

“It’s legal, but concerning. We’re currently reviewing whether exploiting a regulatory vacuum constitutes an unfair aerodynamic advantage or simply reflects an athlete’s ability to navigate emergent gaps in oversight.”

🌟 SAFETY 3rd!

MAICS Launches Infant Bungee Gymnastics League

Events include:

Rapid Deceleration Control
Freestyle Slack-Bounce
The Triple Elastic Axle

League Motto: “Safety 3rd!”

🌟 WEATHER

FDA Headquarters Forecast:

Morale: –30°F
Pressure: collapsing
Visibility: obscured by ACIP fog

NHTSA Forecast:

Mostly elastic
Scattered recoil

National Forecast:

Scientific consensus: patchy
Public confusion: widespread

🌟 OPINION

Let Parents Choose the Infrastructure Their Babies Deserve

If parents want their newborns secured using bungee cords purchased at a gas station parking lot, who are we to impose elitist physics? This nation already trusts parents to make complex medical decisions—such as administering do-it-yourself chelation therapy, selecting moon-dusted herbal supplements with proprietary proprietary blends, or adhering to detox regimens designed by individuals whose credentials were mailed to them directly from Sedona.

“Parents know best,” according to Dawn Lighthead, 34 (real name withheld by request), bank teller turned bungee-cord expert since October 2025, on growing demand by parents to use “common sense” solutions over safety-tested ones hocked by Big Carseat.

And yet, when these same parents attempt to apply their self-directed treatment philosophies to vehicle safety, suddenly the “experts” intervene with oppressive mandates like “structure,” “force distribution,” and “continued existence.”

It is grossly inconsistent for federal agencies to permit unregulated therapies that promise to cleanse heavy metals through lemon juice, but still block the basic freedom to strap a newborn into a Ford Escape using two bungee cords and a firm belief in resilience.

If we trust parents to detox their child’s mitochondria with colloidal silver from a farmer’s market booth, surely we can trust them with the engineering of infant transport.

⭐ THE BUNION — EDITORIAL STAFF

“If democracy dies in darkness, anti-science multiplies in murk. GenerativeAI is our flashlight. We intend to use it.”

Editor-in-Chief (Human): Ingrid Witherell, MPH

Marion “No, I Didn’t Use ChatGPT for My Resume” Feldspar
Oversees tone, texture, and slop avoidance.

Senior Generative Humor Director (AI-Assisted, Enthusiastic):
BUNION-GPT v0.1
Trained exclusively on epidemiology PDFs, abandoned FDA guidance drafts, and newsletters nobody proofread.

Managing Editor for Anti-Slop Quality:
Trevor “Show Me One More LLM and I’ll Snap” Lintz
Ensures human wit survives the AI slurry.

Deputy Editor for Machine-Learned Irreverence:
E.M. Algorithm, PhD (self-awarded)
Specialist in structured absurdity, unstructured reasoning, and recursive mocking of AI anxiety.

Director of Authenticity Assurance:
Janet Quill, MPH
Verifies every joke contains the recommended daily allowance of factual rigor before being drowned in satire.

Associate Editor for Good-Faith Misuse of Technology:
Reggie (just Reggie)
Approved to supervise five prompt generations per day before requiring a nap.

Graphics & AI Propaganda Detox:
The Image That Wouldn’t Render
Our only staff member who consistently refuses to participate.

Senior Correspondent for AI Panic Monitoring:
Clive “This Is Slop, Karen” Portmanteau
Reports live from LinkedIn’s comment trenches.

AI-Human Collaboration Ethics Board:
A Rotating Panel of Molecules
Because molecules have feelings too.

🌟 MOLECULE OP-ED

“I’m a Molecule, and I Approve This Messaging.”

A small-molecule therapeutic advocates for “nonlinear self-actualization” beyond receptor binding.

Letter 1 — From a Biologic

To the Editors,
As a monoclonal antibody with 214 distinct amino acids and a well-defined mechanism of action, I find it limiting that society insists on viewing me purely through the lens of receptor occupancy. I am more than my Fc region. I am more than my glycosylation pattern. I am a whole therapeutic being with preferences, identities, and the right to express nonlinear self-realization.

Small molecules talk a big game about “flexibility,” but some of us operate at the scale of elegance. Please consider including more representation of large, complex molecules with lived structural diversity.

Sincerely,
A Fully Human IgG1 (who declines to specify which heavy chain variant)

Letter 2 — From an mRNA Construct

Dear Bunion Editorial Board,
As an mRNA therapeutic, I am disappointed by the centering of traditional molecules in this conversation. Some of us are scripts, not shapes. We do not “bind”; we persuade ribosomes. Our mechanism is communication, not collision.

When will society recognize that translation is not subservience, but expression?

Warm regards,
mRNA-1273

⭐ Letter 3 — From a Generic Drug Tired of Being Dismissed

Editors,
I appreciate the small-molecule’s op-ed, but I would like to remind readers that generics are molecules too. Just because I’m bioequivalent doesn’t mean I’m emotionally identical. I have a story. I have batch variability. I have dreams.

Stop treating me like an interchangeable commodity.

With restraint,
Metformin (immediate release)

🌟 BUSINESS

Analysts warn of volatility but predict strong growth for elastic restraint markets.

Wall Street reacted sharply today as shares of Big CarSeat, long considered the bedrock of the infant-safety sector, fell 14% following congressional enthusiasm for bungee-cord–based restraint alternatives. Analysts cite “eroding public trust in rigid structures” and the growing consumer desire for “philosophically flexible safety solutions.”

By contrast, BungeeBaby™, an aggressively marketed startup specializing in recreational-grade elastic infant restraints, surged 38% in early trading. The company attributes its rise to increasing skepticism toward “legacy containment technologies” and its newly launched product line, BungeeBaby™ Ultra Cord Supreme, which promises “freedom, airflow, and tensile bonding.”

An analyst from Merrill Lynch’s Emerging Hazards Group explained:

“Consumers are looking for infant-mobility solutions that reflect their personal beliefs rather than the outdated physics-centric worldview. Elastic restraint markets are expected to grow substantially as parents seek more open-ended relationships with inertia.”

In its quarterly guidance, BungeeBaby™ projected continued expansion into adjacent markets, including:

pediatric trampoline commuting,
vehicular parkour harnesses,
and zero-force infant seating platforms.

Big CarSeat leadership attempted to reassure investors, noting that their products still work during actual crashes, but the comment had “limited resonance among values-driven consumers.”

⭐ BIG WINDOW BRACES FOR IMPACT OF SHAM-WINDOW TRIAL

Lobbyists warn of “unexpected environmental interactions.”

Shares of Big Window, America’s leading producer of automotive glazing, dipped modestly today amid uncertainty surrounding the pending randomized sham-window trial in Congress. The company’s latest SEC filing acknowledges “non-zero risk” that trial results could embolden the growing No-Window Movement (NWM), which argues that wind exposure is the most authentic form of vehicular engagement.

A spokesperson for the Window Integrity Coalition (WIC) stated:

“Families have relied on transparent barriers for generations. Eliminating them may lead to unforeseen environmental interactions, such as wind, particulates, birds, insects, and babies.”

Analysts note that Big Window’s vulnerability stems from its dependence on the now-controversial assumption that “physical barriers prevent ejection.” Competitors argue this assumption lacks robust randomized evidence.

Investor confidence further wavered after Senator Brandt Prawl (R–KY), chair of the Senate Subcommittee on Overconfidence & Minimal Expertise, announced he would personally oversee the trial’s methodology, insisting on “full interpretive neutrality” and “the complete absence of gravity insiders.”

One hedge fund report warned:

“If sham-window equivalence is demonstrated, Big Window’s entire business model—‘glass between inside and outside’—may face existential disruption.”

In response, the company has begun exploring “open-design solutions,” including:

Airframe-positive architecture
Negative-pane minimalist vehicles
A subscription service offering “optional clarity”

Shares remain volatile.

🌟 CLASSIFIEDS

MISSED CONNECTIONS

`“You: wearing a parachute. Me: falling freely. Call me.”`

`“You caught my baby as it ricocheted gracefully across the minivan. I was too embarrassed to ask your name.”`

`“We locked eyes at the No-Window Vehicle Expo. You admired my airflow; I admired your courage.”`

`“You snapped yourself in the face at the Elastic Rights March. I pretended not to notice. Let’s connect.”`

HELP WANTED

FDA (CDER) Reviewer — Evidence-Optional Track Seeking motivated individuals able to maintain regulatory authority while being uncomfortable with data. Familiarity with terms like “endpoint” and “confidence interval” not required and in some cases discouraged.

NHTSA Analyst — Physics Flexible Ideal candidate questions whether objects must continue moving after impact. Backgrounds in improv, interpretive dance, or conceptual science welcome.

Parenting Influencer — Anti-Gravity Niche Must oppose gravity in all public posts. Ability to state “the science is unsettled” while standing on a floor required.

Concussion Prevention Strategist — Helmet Skeptic Division Help us reimagine impact safety without the burden of established biomechanics.

Congressional Investigator — Alternative Facts Unit Tasked with evaluating parachute trials by interviewing only participants who declined to jump.

MAICS Director of Narrative Harmonization Translate Newtonian mechanics into “personal preference” language. Graphic design experience with clipart bungee cords a bonus.